Looking back
If I jump back two years to the start of 2018, I was slowly, very slowly, recovering from carer burnout. The worst part was the feeling that I had failed my partner, failed myself, and the gnawing knowledge that I could never go back to caring for Bob at home. I knew that would break me.
How do you tell someone you love, who has already lost so much through a massive stroke and the early stages of dementia, that he can't come home?
It was a tough period. I wasn't able to sleep at all and reacted badly to every medication I tried. I developed food intolerances and suffered from anxiety attacks, and this time two years ago, I could barely manage to walk down my driveway or do anything meaningful.
Somehow, by trying a little more each day, I was able to pull my life back together. At least sort of ... there are still some things I need to do, like Bob's final tax return (and there are several more), that I run away from and refuse to tackle.
Knowing I needed time to recover, I naively gave myself a year off to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. The end of 2018, and then the start of 2019, came and went with a few more unexpected blows. And now at the end of 2019, I'm still grappling with that question. But this site is part of the plan!
For 2018 I knew I wanted to get back to that elusive normal and a return to hiking was part of that plan. Towards the end of 2018, thankfully fitter for needing to walk Shanti, our border collie, I signed up for a guided tour. I booked flights and managed the Tongariro Crossing, with a bit of gear-rescue help from a friend when my luggage missed the flight.
2019 was a success if you measure it by outings and adventures. I discovered Further Faster's mountain dog challenge early in 2019 and talked Mirjam and Liz into taking part in the challenge with their dogs, Scruff and Maisy.
We kicked off late in January and did one route a week, for almost every week, and by the 17th March had completed nine of the ten summits. The humans went on to walk the Queen Charlotte Track (no dogs allowed), and then either (or both) Mirjam and Scruff went on holiday, while local walks continued on a fairly regular basis.
We completed our last mountain dog challenge summit, Mt Isobel in Hanmer Springs, on 11th May and kept up the regular walking regime with an even more ambitious trip in mind.
The Old Ghost Road, which we completed early November, was the first time since my breakdown that I was able to relax and feel the rejuvenating connection I used to find in nature. It was one of the highlights of my year.
Others include a more recent off-route trip from Camp Saddle to Lydon Saddle. There is something about tackling something scary (doable scary, not crazy scary) that makes you feel alive, and I was on an adventure high for a few days. But all highs like that have a downer too, sadly.
This Sunday we all managed a 27.7km walk ending with at least the last 10km into a strong headwind... and I couldn't help think that there are few people I know who would do that without complaining, let alone enjoy it. We've come a long way over the last year (literally and figuratively).
That said, there is a lot that is still limping, broken, or being ignored in my life. But I am grateful that I was able to keep up some small parts of my freelance writing going and to also continue to teach T'ai Chi. My plans for the new year include a lot more focus on freelancing (despite being disillusioned by the future income potential for freelance writing), another foray into books, and a bit more structure (and writing) for where I want T'ai Chi classes to head.
Soap making? Soap making has been a therapy for me since Bob's stroke. I have flirted a few times with turning it into a business, but I prefer the freedom to be creative rather than tied to a set range and have an intense dislike for selling... so it's in a creative hobby limbo...
I'm hoping this website and various blogs will tie all the different aspects of "me" together and give every side a bit more direction and focus.
If you've got this far, I wish you all the very best for 2020. May it hold more blessings than challenges, and lots more adventures.
Wind-swept Shanti and Shaz enjoying a second lunch stop on our 27.7km Mystery lake loop on Sunday, 29th December 2019. Photo credit: Mirjam Horsburgh.
